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Jokes that make you groan

FarmerTan

George Bailey Fanboy
I went swimming at the YMCA and decided to take a leak at the deep end of the pool. Somehow, the lifeguard noticed; he blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Dude, that IS NOT groan worthy! That is perfection! I WILL be telling that one!
 
Apparently there has been a disaster on the internet. One of the servers that contains every online dictionary has crashed and all the data has been deleted. The chief engineer in charge of the server was asked how he felt about this catastrophe.

There are no words - he said.
 
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!
 
Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the OPP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Premier said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns"; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math's instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Prime Minister
 
Divorce

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
 
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 6 people? I'm still looking for 4 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (June 26th) morning from East Mids Airport and will fly to St Ives Marina where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the seals and dolphins before they hibernate then returning to the marina and go out for dinner, then fly back home.
If interested please pm me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go..........................
 
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 6 people? I'm still looking for 4 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (June 26th) morning from East Mids Airport and will fly to St Ives Marina where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch.
Then we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the seals and dolphins before they hibernate then returning to the marina and go out for dinner, then fly back home.
If interested please pm me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go..........................
That's got my seal of approval, sadly I don't fit the criteria...
 
This one is definitely 'polemically incorrect' by today's standards. In my defense it was perpetrated by one of my favourite punsters.

“If you’re under 35, and not passionately interested in health food, this one may go over your head. If so, count your blessings: Until very recently, a tribe of killer monkeys lived undetected beneath Greenwich village. To some extent it was not surprising that they escaped notice for so long. They had extremely odd sleeping habits, hibernating for 364 days out of every year (365 in Leap Years) and emerging from the caverns of the Village sewers only on Christmas Day. Even so, one might have thought they could hardly help but cause talk, since they tended when awake to be enormous, ferocious, carnivorous, and extremely hungry. Yet in Greenwich Village of all places on Earth they went unnoticed until last year, when they were finally destroyed. Everyone knows that Yule Gibbons ate only nuts and fruits…”
― Spider Robinson, Off the Wall at Callahan's

If you don't get the joke, it's riffing on Euell Gibbons.
 

emwolf

Contributor
One of my all time favorites, and slightly off color, so if the mods object I'll understand:

A penguin named Pete is having some automotive trouble so he pulls his car into a mechanic's garage.

"I won't be able to take a look at your car for about an hour," says the mechanic, "will that be a problem?"

Pete glances across the street and sees a grocery store and replies, "Nah, I have some shopping to do, I'll just leave my car here and run across the street." And off Pete waddles to the store.

It's a hot day and Pete is feeling it and decides to hop inside the big frozen food section to cool off. He's waddling around and comes to the ice cream. Pete the Penguin hasn't eaten all day, and noticing there's nobody about, decides to start snarfing down some delicious vanilla bean ice cream, burying himself beak deep into the delicious frozen treat.

He looks at his watch and notices he's been at this nearly an hour and a half! So he hurriedly waddles out of the store and back across the street to the garage. As he approaches, the mechanic has his car on a lift and, seeing Pete, turns toward him and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Pete blushes, wiping his beak and says, "no, that's just ice cream."
 
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