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Jokes that make you groan

What's big and grey and doesn't matter...........an errelevant (pronounced irrelevant)
 

The Knize

Moderator Emeritus
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says - Why the long face?

I've just realized I'm a metaphysical construct within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence.
Yes! Meta at its best!
 
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the sunny Caribbean. They were discussing their great vacations when the lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That is quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer, quite puzzled, asked, "How do YOU start a flood?"
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN..
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN. ..
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes
 
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, " I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. "

The bartender says, " Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me. "

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, " I would like to buy you a drink, too. "

The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water. "

" Coming up, " says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, " I would like to buy you one, too. "

The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water. "

" Coming right up, " the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, " Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water? "

The old woman replies, " Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue. "
 
I went to the bakery earlier, and said to the baker: "How is it all these cakes are $1, but that one is $2?"
He replied "That's Madeira cake."
 

oc_in_fw

Fridays are Fishtastic!
Contributor
Curtis & Leroy bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said - Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.

Well, then just give us our money back.

Can't do that. I went and spent it already.

OK then, just bring us the dead mule.

What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?

We gonna raffle him off.

You can't raffle off a dead mule.

We shore can. We don't hafta tell nobody he's dead.

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy and asked - What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?

We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do. We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.

Didn't anyone complain?

Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
That’s actually genius
 
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