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Jokes that make you groan

Why didn't Ken and Barbie ever have any kids you ask?
It's simple, Ken comes packaged in a different box!
There's a locally famous sketch on this in a series called 'what if', that has a different ending. On that might be banned on this forum. 🙄
 
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Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whisky around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

The Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen one since.
 
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying - God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa.

Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?

I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this - God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma. The next day the grandmother died.

Holy crap, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say - God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy. He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said - I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?

I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life.

You think you had a bad day; you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.
 
I went to Walmart today and was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires. So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield. The more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
 

Doc4

Stumpy in cold weather
Moderator Emeritus
Reminds me of the Benny Hill joke. I've got 12 inches. I don't use it as a rule.
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True story (from a Benny Hill show decades ago ...)

Benny Hill and one of his "regular minions" were starting a skit with both of them in drag. The minion looks upset, and turns to Benny:

Minion: "I feel like a girl!"

Benny: "So do I, but let's wait until after the show."
 
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