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Jokes that make you groan
- Thread starter Captain Pre-Capsize
- Start date
Detective - I'm so sorry, ma'am, but your son was murdered. We found his body on an altar made of antlers.
Mom - Dear God!
Detective - Yes, probably.
Mom - Dear God!
Detective - Yes, probably.
Not a joke but an add on to a normal sentence. The phrase "you can get a cream for that". Example news reporter talking to local about vandalism. Locals says "and it was all scratched!" The retort is "you can get a cream for that".
Two masked men walked into the bank where I work today - thankfully they were only robbing the place!
My wife awoke with bedhead and commented on it; to which I replied "There's a cream for that."
A few minutes she commented on a news reporters choice of wardrobe that accented her cleavage; "There's a cream for that."
She laughed and said I love it!
We both laughed.
A lady was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her - What did you steal?
A can of peaches.
How many peaches were in the can?
Six.
Then I will give you 6 days in jail.
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up - She also stole a can of peas.
.
A can of peaches.
How many peaches were in the can?
Six.
Then I will give you 6 days in jail.
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up - She also stole a can of peas.
.
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walked into a bar. The rabbit said, "I'm only here due to an auto-correct"
Very meta. Excellent!
Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter?
I won't spread it...
I won't spread it...
Had a friend who joined the Navy because he heard it was full of seamen.
About a month later he was very sad because it wasn't the seamen he thought.
A month after that he was ecstatic. He found out he wasn't the only one who made that mistake.
Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk
About a month later he was very sad because it wasn't the seamen he thought.
A month after that he was ecstatic. He found out he wasn't the only one who made that mistake.
Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk
What happens when a submarine with 100 men goes down? It comes up with 50 couples.
Finally Karl Marx wife , Onya has been officially recognised for her work in the development of the first starting pistol.
There was an opening in the company for a very high level position. The top scientist, top engineer, and top marketing person all applied for the position. HR guy asked the scientist "What is 2+2?" The scientist goes off and preforms a bunch of experiments, comes back and says "According to my experiments, my theory is the answer is 4."
HR asked the engineer the same question, what is 2+2? The engineer goes off and runs a bunch of models and does a lot of calculations. He comes back and says "According to my models and calculations, the answer is definitely 4."
When HR asked the marketing guy that same question, what is 2+2, the marketing guy got up. He went over and drew the blinds, locked the door, and unplugged the phone and computer. He leans in close to HR and in a quiet conspiratorial voice, asks "What do you want it to be?"
HR asked the engineer the same question, what is 2+2? The engineer goes off and runs a bunch of models and does a lot of calculations. He comes back and says "According to my models and calculations, the answer is definitely 4."
When HR asked the marketing guy that same question, what is 2+2, the marketing guy got up. He went over and drew the blinds, locked the door, and unplugged the phone and computer. He leans in close to HR and in a quiet conspiratorial voice, asks "What do you want it to be?"
this one is a little frisky and definitely easier to tell in person but because this is a shaving forum I think you'll understand and be able to repeat it...
A woman was about to go in for some surgery and her doctor mentioned that they would need to shave her "down there". Husband said there was no way a stranger was going to do that and he'd shave her instead. He had her hop up on the sink and took his brush and got her good and lathered. Then he looked at her and said .. "OK, now go like this" (pulled his mouth to one side without using his hands)
A woman was about to go in for some surgery and her doctor mentioned that they would need to shave her "down there". Husband said there was no way a stranger was going to do that and he'd shave her instead. He had her hop up on the sink and took his brush and got her good and lathered. Then he looked at her and said .. "OK, now go like this" (pulled his mouth to one side without using his hands)
Perfect joke! Great set up.
