Jokes that make you groan

[njpaddy]

For some reason I can only remember 2 jokes and they're both from 8th or 9th grade, circa 1960. It may still be too bawdy, but I'll post one anyway.

Two friends meet up. One has a black eye and his friend asks how he got it. He says. "I called my girlfriend a 2-bit wh*** and she hit me with a bag of quarters."

 

[njpaddy]

Another growner from circa 1960.

Guy walks into a local hardware store, not knowing it's actually a front for a brothel, and asks the guy for a 2-cent screw. The counter guy yells out to the back, "Hey Joe, grease up the cat".

 

[RookieGuy]

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

One day, God was looking down into the Garden of Eden and saw Adam looked sad and lonely. "What's wrong? I made you a paradise, why are you sad?" "Oh, I do so love it, God! Only, I'm lonely." God thought for a second and said "Adam, I shall make you the absolute perfect mate! She'll be beautiful and kind and loving all her days. She'll cook and clean for you, all she wants is your love in return. But! It will cost you your right arm, one eye, and left foot." Adam thought and pondered the offer. Then he asked "What can I get for a rib?"

I'm a father, so more will be forthcoming.

 

[2Vu5_T]

My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test. The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

 

[2Vu5_T]

If at first you don't succeed..., skydiving ain't for you.

 

[2Vu5_T]

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. I'll have the rump steak, rare, please.

Aren't you worried about the mad cow?

Nah, she can order for herself. And that's when the fight started.

 

[Dan279]

The teacher asked Joe to use the word centimeter in a sentence, Joe answered, "My aunt was coming to town on the train, and my dad was sent to meet her"

 

[beddington]

nurse "my gramps got burned yesterday"
doctor" well how bad are the burns?"
nurse" well those guys at the crematorium don't **** around"

 

[beddington]

Remember when you made the decision to get your revenge on Justine and her lovers?" she asked. "Well it's kind of the same for me. My first husband died from eating poison mushrooms. He had a really bad reaction and went into anaphylactic shock. He died horribly and painfully right in front of me." She shook her head as if trying to erase a bad memory.

"My second husband died from eating poison mushrooms too. It was a really weird coincidence. I should tell you that I make pepper steak too," she said.

"What about your last husband," I asked.

"You're not a cheater," she said. "You and I will live together forever."

"Uhm I meant the guy who came before me," I said.

"Oh, he died of a fractured skull," she said.

"Wow," I said. "How did that happen?" I was relieved, one more coincidence would have had me a little bit worried.

She got the strangest look on her face and said, "That bastard wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

 

[Aldwyn]

What days of week are strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. All the rest are weekdays.

 

[BigD]

Everyone is a parkour expert, until you're not.

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk

 

[ChiefHA]

Want to hear a cat joke?
Just Kitten...

 

[Ridpath]

Why are there barcodes on the side of the Norwegian navy’s fleet?

Because they Scandinavian.

 

[2Vu5_T]

C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says - Sorry, we don't serve minors here.

 

[2Vu5_T]

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.

What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.

What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.

How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President's name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if

he combined them all in another field?

********************************************

*Here are the Answers:* (No peeking!)

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the

third child's name?

Answer: Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does

he weigh?

Answer: Meat

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]


4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.


5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly


6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.


7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.


8. What was the President's name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Donald Trump


9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.


10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]


11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,how many haystacks would he have if

he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big
one.

 

[oc_in_fw]

 

[Dan279]

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

“Hello Paddy, where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”

Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”

Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out three times to pee!”

 

[Dan279]

Dr O’Mahony tells his patient: “I have bad news and worse news, John.”

“Oh dear,” John replies. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies: “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible,” says the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

Dr O’Mahony replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

 

[2Vu5_T]

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new gorilla becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the Human-like gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So,to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.

Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming help, help. The lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear - Shut up right now or you're going to get us both fired.

 

[Aldwyn]

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor!


A three legged dog walks into a bar and says: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw...