Jokes for Today

[coyotewhisper]

Q: Yellow I look and massive I weigh. In the morning I come to brighten your day. What am I? A: A school bus.
Q: This word I know? Six letters it contains. Take away the last …. and only twelve remains. What is the word? A: “Dozens”
Q: I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. Who am I?
A: The letter E.
The inventor of denim was a jean-ius.

 

[tejolot3]

What do pirates charge for ear piercings?

A buck an ear.

 

[bberg100]

Did ya know diarrhea is hereditary?


It runs in your jeans....

 

[Billski]

A fat guy and I went to a buffet. I was paying the bill for him and me.

I wasn't happy with his behavior , so I said ," No more buffets for you."

He said, "Oh no."

Later it seemed funny because those fat guys really like to eat.

 

[Raissermesser]

"I never see my preacher's eyes,
He hides their light divine.
For when he prays he closes his,
And when he preaches, mine."

 

[auk1124]

My brother did NOT want to go to jail. He started screaming, spitting, thrashing around, and rubbing feces on the walls.

We're never playing Monopoly again.

 

[Raissermesser]

A preacher, who was on the outs with the chairman of the deacons, went by the church, found a dead donkey on the steps, and went home and called the chairman.

"Brother, there's a dead donkey on the church steps."

"Well, preacher, you know that anything on the grounds is the church's responsibility, and everything with the building is yours, and the steps are part of the building."

"I know that, brother. I was just notifying the next of kin."

 

[rockero]

Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

 

[rockero]

Why are cemeteries surrounded with walls?

Because people are dying to get in there.

 

[Billski]

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

 

[rockero]

How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath.