Joke of the Day

[Jasonian]

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

groan ugh terrible (yes, I know. enjoy )

 

[dpm802]

A blonde called Triple-A, anxious to get help because she had locked her keys in her car. She told them to hurry, because the convertible top was down, and it looked like it was going to rain.

 

[GFlanagan3]

How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
say something!


How do you get a redhead's mood to change?

wait 10 seconds

 

[Jasonian]

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

 

[GFlanagan3]

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

 

[GFlanagan3]

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

 

[Jasonian]

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg leg?" asks the sailor.

"I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate. "A shark bit off me whole leg."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"

"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other seamen with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "And the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

Said the pirate, "It was me first day with the hook."

 

[Dustinl]

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg leg?" asks the sailor.

"I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate. "A shark bit off me whole leg."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"

"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other seamen with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "And the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

Said the pirate, "It was me first day with the hook."

 

[GFlanagan3]

These are actual quotes of what people said in court, word for word:



Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?



Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.



Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.



Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.



Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?



Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?



Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?



Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?



Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.



Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.



Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?



Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.



Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?



Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?



Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?



Q: Did he kill you?



Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision



Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?



Q: How many times have you committed suicide?



Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

 

[ama015]

Why does not Blondes get lunch breaks? It takes to long to learn them their job again....

 

[Jasonian]

Good ones.

If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turn in the cans for the aluminum recycling Refund, you would have had $214. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg…..

 

[kwk285]

What goes clop, clop, clop, clop, bang, clop, clop, clop, clop

An Amish Driveby

 

[GFlanagan3]

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want. passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
"On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. ;WHOA!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

 

[Jasonian]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

 

[GFlanagan3]

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,

"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

 

[Argonaut]

How do you catch an eskimo? Cut a hole in the ice, take green peas and place in a ring around the hole, then hide and wait. When he starts to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

 

[GFlanagan3]

The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending
fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of
the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a
miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

 

[Jasonian]

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so Dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano," said my Dad. "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

 

[GFlanagan3]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[Jasonian]