Irish goodbye, ghosting, French leave, etc

[Macfrommichigan]

There are numerous names for this behavior, of course. Origins are hard to pin down, tho some blame the English. And while leaving a social gathering without saying thank you and fare thee well to one's host/hostess may be considered rude, it also has merit, IMO.

The long goodbye is public acknowledgement the event has lost its luster. It only encourages others to depart early. Better to quietly exit.

Goodbyes take up too much time, and pull the host/hostess away from other duties. Just slip out the door, friend. Do it before your host presses you to take home a turkey leg, a half bottle of wine, or piece of cake.

Goodbyes always seem to involve someone pressing for a commitment of some kind, a directive to call next week to schedule a lunch or a round of golf or a promise to help with a project. Just disappear.

Goodbyes require one to fib. "Grand party, wonderful time, exquisite food, beautiful dress, such well mannered children, adorable puppy, lovely home, etc." Better to avoid that sort of thing.

It feels a bit naughty to leave without a word, sure, but there is also the rush of freedom, the feeling of having escaped a trap of sorts.

Being well mannered, I would never, ever engage in this sort of thing myself, but can see why some might be tempted to indulge.

How 'bout you? Have a story to tell?

 

[oc_in_fw]

I just avoid social gatherings in the first place.

 

[Traveling Man]

I would never intentionally leave a gathering without telling the host I was departing, but I certainly don't make a show or announcement of it.
I simply slip up to the host, shake hands, say thanks, then slip out.

 

[AimlessWanderer]

If anyone leaves like that, good riddance, they'll not be coming back.

 

[R100]

I'm renown in my family for my quick exits. When I'm ready to leave I stand up, announce that I'm leaving and start heading for the door. I do say goodbye and thanks and hug if necessary and I will accept my share of the dinner leftovers, but I keep moving toward the door.

So it's not quite ghosting but it's contrary to my family's practice of long goodbyes, including following you out to your car and standing and talking in the driveway for another twenty minutes.

Apparently I come to it naturally. It's said that my grandfather was the same way. I think that's why my family tolerates it. Plus I suspect they're a little envious.

 

[Macfrommichigan]

The outlaws are great ones to stand half in and half out the door, saying goodbye forever, letting out the heat, or inviting the flies in.

What prompted the post, actually, was a friend describing her exit from a viewing at a funeral home. After chatting up some twenty or so relatives and friends, she made what she called an Irish goodbye.

Calls to mind a story 'bout a fellow I knew who was in a dark pub with a girl he was dating. Another fair lass he was also seeing entered. Guy slipped away, later told his date he suddenly became ill.

 

[bberg100]

You leave without saying goodbye you will not be invited back. Makes me wonder if I did something wrong, or if you are just rude.

 

[Traveling Man]

I have a very good system for handling events I need to be seen at but have no desire to hang around. I'm not talking about parties, meals, family gatherings, etc. I'm talking about work events, funeral visitations, and so on.

Make an early and visible entrance, shake hands with the right people, maybe tell a memorable tale, get in a picture or two if you can, then slip out the side door. People remember you were there but can't seem to locate you once the crowd arrives.

 

[les24preludes]

English - Take French leave
French - Filer a l'Anglaise

 

[les24preludes]

Paul Simon - 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

 

[njpaddy]

I always say a goodbye to the host, but the only gatherings I bother to attend anymore are wakes or funerals.

 

[TexLaw]

What prompted the post, actually, was a friend describing her exit from a viewing at a funeral home. After chatting up some twenty or so relatives and friends, she made what she called an Irish goodbye.

I don't see a problem with that, but that's the way things often run at a viewing. While it's hardly inappropriate to say goodbye, I've never understood that it was expected. You just pay your respects to the immediate family, sign the book, chat with whomever for as long as you like, and leave when you are ready.

A hosted party at someone's home is an entirely different matter. Failing to give even a simple "thank you and goodbye" to your host or hostess pretty much is an insult.

While there may be situations or circumstances where one is not expected to say goodbye to one's host or hostess, they are relatively few and far between. It's never a mistake to make that small effort to say goodbye to the one(s) who invited you. Whether you say goodbye to anyone else is a matter of circumstances. That said, one never should feel obligated to make a personal goodbye to every member of a large group.

I'm glad someone mentioned that awkward situation when you can't seem to leave. The flip side of being a good guest and saying goodbye is to be a good host and to allow your guests to leave when they come to say goodbye. Pause what you are doing or politely pause your conversation to say good bye and thank your guest for coming, and then let them leave. If there was something you needed to give them or someone you needed to introduce them to, it's fine if you do that quickly (and mention that they have to leave when you introduce them). For Pete's sake, don't start or try to continue a conversation. Don't put them on the spot and beg them to stay. Let 'em go!

 

[Raissermesser]

If anyone leaves like that, good riddance, they'll not be coming back.

Works for me. I'll say goodbye to the host or hostess, but, unlike my wife, I won't go around telling every single person goodbye. If that's a problem, then it just frees up my calendar a wee bit.

 

[Doc4]

 

[Doc4]

Play it by ear.

A small gathering of a few people over for dinner and drinks ... just slipping away is hard not to be noticed in an unfavourable light. Of course, if Dorothy Parker was one of the other guests and she's had four martinis, your host may be ... um ... otherwise engaged and so slipping away may be the best course of action.

A gathering of a hundred people? Your host may be too busy to hand out "goodbyes" in person to each departee. At some point in the evening one shakes the host's hand, thanks him for the evening, with "if I don't see you before I leave, I really appreciated the invite and this is a great event ..." .

Of course, a phone call the next day "hey, great party last night ... sorry I had to slip away but ..." and here describe briefly why ... "I had to make the last bus, and you were dealing with that pizza delivery guy".

Handwritten thank-you notes also fix a lot of faux passes.

 

[Macfrommichigan]

I'm a fine host, and i like dinner parties. I'll take your coat, offer you the top shelf liquor, mix your drink, serve you exquisite food, and an after dinner drink (or two if someone else is driving). I will talk about what you want to discuss, and not flinch when you say something stupid. All I ask in return is a small compliment re the well prepared meal. And that you leave. My problem isn't folks who slip out the door, it is guests who don't know when the evening is over. LOL

 

[TexLaw]

@Doc4 makes good points all around.

My problem isn't folks who slip out the door, it is guests who don't know when the evening is over. LOL

I'm bad about that, especially after I've had a few drinks. I'm better about it than I used to be, and I strive to keep improving, but I'm also thankful that I have a wonderful wife who will jerk me out the door when it's time.

 

[H4nk]

(cough) I better go. My tuberculous is acting up again.

 

[Canadian Mountain Man]

It depends on the gathering.

Small dinner party or casual get together at a friends house (<8 people): Start to drop casual signs (yawns, quick glance at the watch, "boy, I'm getting tired" or "think the dog needs to be let out soon", etc.) ~30 min before I want to leave. When departing everyone gets a hug or handshake and I make my leave.

House party/BBQ (>8 people): When I want to leave find the host(s), say thanks and give hug/handshake; quickly find any close friends and say goodbye. Leave with no other interaction.

Golf tournament, corporate Christmas party, etc.: If you know the organizer find them to say thanks, say goodbye to your management, reports and then leave.

Business reception at an corporate event where everyone is staying overnight at the same venue (i.e. sales conference): Similar to above but subtly different. These are some of my most hated social gatherings since from my experience a lot of people use it as an excuse to behave poorly. Maybe its because there's no spouses or customers, maybe its because they already have a hotel room they know they can stagger off to. Problem is you have to make an appearance since your absence will be noted by management and it will count as a strike against you. So I'll go, have a few drinks, make sure I've had a quick conversation with my boss & their boss, stick around for an hour or so. Then find a known loud mouth/social butterfly let them know I've got to go my room to check my email/call the wife/put on a more comfortable pair of shoes/etc. and I'll be back in 15. Then either go to my room and never come back or more often collect a small number of coworkers who's company I actually enjoy and tip off to a nearby bar or pub.

 

[ronald90]

The title somewhat threw me off guard a little haha!

'Ghosting' has taken on a slightly different meaning in modern vernacular, whereby you cut off all communication and correspondence with a lady you have been dating who you have just discovered is a psychopath. By this definition, I have partaken in ghosting. I however would never dream of leaving a dinner party without thanking the host, a few white lies such as "great food/such a lovely home/such well-mannered children" is a far lesser crime