I'm cold and bored and need some jokes.

[luv2shave]

Once upon a time I started wet shaving to save money ...

Then I met RAD, BAD, SAD, and all its cousins

And we lived happily ever after

 

[FarmerTan]

Man, I'm scared to jump in now. But here goes.

Q: Where do Martians keep their armies?
A: In their sleevies.

Perfect!

 

[Owen Bawn]

Here's a story I love to tell. Let's see if I can remember...

It seems Mark Twain was traveling home in a train after going fishing somewhere in Maine? New England somewhere I think. Out of season.

A guy sits next to him and Mr Twain commences to brag about all the fish he caught. He turns to the man and asks, " by the way, who are you?"

The stranger says, "I'm the game warden around these parts. Who are you?"

Twain replies, "the biggest dam liar you ever met!"

I love watching North Woods Law on Animal Planet. Which episode had Mark Twain on it?

 

[FarmerTan]

I love watching North Woods Law on Animal Planet. Which episode had Mark Twain on it?

I'm so twentieth century! I've never even heard of this show.

 

[Owen Bawn]

I'm so twentieth century! I've never even heard of this show.

It's a good show. They filmed in Maine from 2013-2017, and since then its been in New Hampshire.

 

[FarmerTan]

It's a good show. They filmed in Maine from 2013-2017, and since then its been in New Hampshire.

Thanks for that clip! Looks like a great show.

Can I tell a true story about a relative of a friend?

This was around 30 plus years ago as I recall. This guy gets a knock on his door. It's the Michigan DNR. An officer asks the homeowner to let him look in his freezer.

Opens it up and there is a Turkey in there! The guy asks him how did he know he had a Turkey in there. The officer said it had a transmitter in it! Seems the the guy hit it with his truck the night before. The officer said they figured that was what happened, because they'd never heard of a Turkey flying 60 miles an hour!

Back then you couldn't find a Turkey in the wild in Michigan. So the DNR started a breeding and release program that has been successful beyond anything any of us ever hoped for.

Every Spring now they come visit my Chickens, get in my garden and scratch up the mulch. Just about the UGLIEST beautiful bird in the world!

 

[DCRIII]

I'd give my left and right you know what to be in Hawaii right now!
Yep, I don't need my socks at the beach!

 

[FarmerTan]

Man, I'm so easy to get to giggling nowadays!

I had a VERY small stroke in my frontal lobe, and the only lasting effect has been uncontrollable giggles. Not inappropriate, I mean it's always something funny (at least to me) that triggers it, but it stops when it stops; I have no control.

I hope it never happens when I'm on trial for something. ESPECIALLY if I'm innocent! But it would make for an excellent chapter in my life story I'll never right...

 

[Owen Bawn]

Man, I'm so easy to get to giggling nowadays!

I had a VERY small stroke in my frontal lobe, and the only lasting effect has been uncontrollable giggles. Not inappropriate, I mean it's always something funny (at least to me) that triggers it, but it stops when it stops; I have no control.

I hope it never happens when I'm on trial for something. ESPECIALLY if I'm innocent! But it would make for an excellent chapter in my life story I'll never right...

 

[FarmerTan]

Man, you ever date a beautiful woman, and you just couldn't get past the lady's laugh? That was me with her. I KNOW! No politics and religion, but Ghandi could have been her running mate and I just couldn't do it. That and her lazy pronunciation style. Trump and his 600 werd voculary made this almost a toss of the coin for me!

 

[FarmerTan]

I'd give my left and right you know what to be in Hawaii right now!
Yep, I don't need my socks at the beach!

I'm leaving for Fla in a few days. You just know that I will be stealing this joke to tell all my Baptist friends! It's fun to see them look around to see who's watching before they laugh at a joke like that!

 

[Jan Sobieski]

What do you call a group of men waiting for a shave?

A barbercue.

 

[FarmerTan]

What do you call a group of men waiting for a shave?

A barbercue.

Oh my. This is where we need a "groaning" emoji. I laughed, but I have an excuse!

 

[Jan Sobieski]

Oh my. This is where we need a "groaning" emoji. I laughed, but I have an excuse!

We do, indeed. And my joke deserved at least one - but that's its charm!

 

[FarmerTan]

We do, indeed. And my joke deserved at least one - but that's its charm!

I suppose that one where the little yeller round feller slaps himself in face, like a palm slap would werk...

 

[Jan Sobieski]

I dare say, yes.

 

[Neilzebub]

Here's another Mark Twain story. Unless I mess it up....

So old Sam Clemens was getting a haircut. The barber, making conversation, like all us GREAT hair cutters do, especially with a new customer, asks ole Sam, "You going to see that Mark Twain feller talk tonight? I hear it's standing room only."

To which Sam replies, "Dang it! Seems I have to stand everytime I see that man speak!"

I love Twain anecdotes. Here's one for you.

Olivia Clemens was a devout Christian (God-fearing as they said in those days) and was constantly trying to reform her husband. Apparently he cut himself shaving one morning and turned the air blue with curses. So, in an attempt to embarrass him, she marched to the bathroom and repeated them verbatim. Twain considered her thoughtfully for a moment, stroked his chin and said, "You have the words my Dear, but you'll never have the tune."

 

[Doc4]

I love Twain anecdotes. Here's one for you.

 

[Doc4]

 

[D T Law]

Guy goes into a butchers with a three foot condom over his shoulder and says "a pound a fillet" and the butcher says "a pound you don't"