Fatherhood

[Doc4]

the first question should be whether you can afford a second child,

Good advice from The Knize there ... I'll quote just a bit, but the whole thing is worth reading.

That's the "fiscally prudent, cautious and prepared" approach, and certainly worth taking into consideration. Then again, the "financially prepared" goalposts tend to shift, and you'll always be three years and fifty grand short of where you need to be, and meanwhile time's a-tickin'.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread ... and I'd ... well, not "rush in" foolishly, but if it's time to make babies, it's time to make babies. If you have the emotional maturity to man-up to the daily grind of parenting and financially supporting your kids for a couple decades or so, and if SWMBO is in the same boat ... no bigger regret in life than "I picked the wrong woman to raise my kids" ... and only you (not us) can answer those "ifs" ... then you have your answer.

 

[OkieStubble]

I believe it was Elvis who said, only fools rush in? Wait, no, it was only fools runaway.

My bad.

 

[Lightcs1776]

I've been very hesitant to respond, as a forum like this really isn't the best place for life changing advice. Not only would another child change your life, but it would change the life of that child.

My children, all four, were planned. However, I would be thankful for each even if they were awesome surprises.

I don't believe anyone is prepared to be a parent. In my opinion, it takes God. That is all I will say about that, as I realize the forum rules about religion. However, each child takes a different approach. My 24 year old responds differently than my 15 year old. And I have never been prepared for what comes next, even after one of the older kids have grown, the younger ones are still unique.

It's great that you have been a positive influence on the 3 year old. If you want to provide security, which a child needs, put marriage first. Although there are divorces, fatherhood without marriage is like keeping a backdrop escape route. Parenthood takes full responsibility.

Finally, don't let anyone degrade the great work of being a father. Yes, women go through a lot, both in child bearing and in being a primary care giver. But you can, and in my opinion should, be the rock on which stability and security of the family is kept.

Last suggestion. Talk to those who you trust that care enough about you to call you out, not just agree with you.


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[carofe]

I've been very hesitant to respond, as a forum like this really isn't the best place for life changing advice. Not only would another child change your life, but it would change the life of that child.

My children, all four, were planned. However, I would be thankful for each even if they were awesome surprises.

I don't believe anyone is prepared to be a parent. In my opinion, it takes God. That is all I will say about that, as I realize the forum rules about religion. However, each child takes a different approach. My 24 year old responds differently than my 15 year old. And I have never been prepared for what comes next, even after one of the older kids have grown, the younger ones are still unique.

It's great that you have been a positive influence on the 3 year old. If you want to provide security, which a child needs, put marriage first. Although there are divorces, fatherhood without marriage is like keeping a backdrop escape route. Parenthood takes full responsibility.

Finally, don't let anyone degrade the great work of being a father. Yes, women go through a lot, both in child bearing and in being a primary care giver. But you can, and in my opinion should, be the rock on which stability and security of the family is kept.

Last suggestion. Talk to those who you trust that care enough about you to call you out, not just agree with you.


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+1 Couldn't agree more.

 

[The Knize]

Good advice from The Knize there ... I'll quote just a bit, but the whole thing is worth reading.

That's the "fiscally prudent, cautious and prepared" approach, and certainly worth taking into consideration. Then again, the "financially prepared" goalposts tend to shift, and you'll always be three years and fifty grand short of where you need to be, and meanwhile time's a-tickin'.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread ... and I'd ... well, not "rush in" foolishly, but if it's time to make babies, it's time to make babies. If you have the emotional maturity to man-up to the daily grind of parenting and financially supporting your kids for a couple decades or so, and if SWMBO is in the same boat ... no bigger regret in life than "I picked the wrong woman to raise my kids" ... and only you (not us) can answer those "ifs" ... then you have your answer.

Doc4 and I usually agree. I am bothered and confused!

<meanwhile time's a-tickin'><but if it's time to make babies, it's time to make babies.><and only you (not us) can answer those "ifs">

I am having trouble seeing the rush here. And I think planning for the future and having one's finances under control is part of the calculation of when it is time to make babies. And, I am not sure any 23 year old guy could possibly know he has the <emotional maturity to man-up to the daily grind of parenting and financially supporting your kids for a couple decades or so>

I do think getting married, fully committing legally and otherwise to the child you have, and seeing if you can handle the financial part of the daily grind of supporting your family and child for a couple of years before adding another child to the mix, would be a pretty good start at testing your level of emotional maturity and figuring out what things might really be like.

I clearly know nothing about your girlfriend. But I completely agree with Doc4 that <no bigger regret in life than "I picked the wrong woman to raise my kids">

I am sure that whoever first said "marry in haste repent at leisure" would have had something even more pithy about having kids in haste.

And just to be clear, I am more concerned for the kids, than I am for the young adults here! But best of luck to all.

 

[redfalconf35]

With all the machines blocking my escape, I was frozen into the position where I stood. At the foot of the bed. Seeing everything. EVERYTHING

Yep! Stupid IV tree! (Seriously though, it wasn't that bad. Nothing I'd intentionally watch, but nothing horribly grotesque)

On some level I feel like someone has posted about whether he should buy a Bugatti Veyron, and the discussion is exclusively whether he is going to be able to get used to the gear shift!

Babies can be expensive, but having baby acquisition disorder is much more expensive. Just like a wedding, you can do a baby on a budget. It's just more work on your part.

Your health and life insurance all paid up? Just having a child delivered at the hospital is major expense.

Yup. We were so happy when we paid off all our delivery bills without having to take a payment plan. Then, a month later, we got another $2k in bills we weren't expecting. Thankfully we were able to pay them as well, but this baby has caused us to hit our out of pocket max (~$7k) for insurance (which I screwed up by going high deductible this year).

First piece of advice - get married before you get pregnant. Children crave stability and they will learn from your example with your wife. Don't have children without being married.

Quoted for emphasis.

 

[ouch]

You'll never know if you're prepared for something until you're tested. Then you'll discover you have abilities you never considered.

 

[The Knize]

You'll never know if you're prepared for something until you're tested. Then you'll discover you have abilities you never considered.

That is true. And probably every parent goes through that. Even the guys who end up splitting a year or so out, sorry to say.

 

[nalves]

Well, pretty much everything has already been said, but here goes my opinion as well.

When will you feel prepared? Never, and if you feel, on the day of the delivery and the first few days after it, you will doubt you can take care of the baby all the time. But guess what, just relax and let things flow, you will manage, and you will fare good, just like anybody else. Babies cry for two reasons: for everything, and for nothing. Remember to keep yourself calm while you try to figure out what are his/her needs.

My daughter just turned 8 months old, and what you call hard part is not that hard, and one thing I can tell you, when you see those little creatures, in your arms, smiling back at you, or throwing their arms for you to pick them up, is just the most wonderful thing in the world. Doesn't matter if you're tired, you'll feel like you can lift a mountain with the simple, rewarding, lovely stuff from the little one.

Now I have to clean my keyboard, from all the drool.

 

[NurseDave]

Were your children planned? Yes my daughter was, but I have two step-daughters as well.
Were you prepared? Yes, and it doesn't matter what anyone answers because you don't know what you'll get. I was a pediatric nurse so probably had more idea of what was coming than many. But all your research and having a room read doesn't necessarily prepare you for how life will change or bring to you. But look at it this way, people have been doing this baby thing for quite a while without google, youtube, amazon and forums so people adapt and move through life as it comes.
At what point did you feel confident in your parental abilities? This is a minute to minute decision. We have three girls that are starting their puberty journey. I kind of laughed when you said "the hard part". Man, you're just tired and exhausted and sometimes at your wit's end, but that's nothing a nap can't fix. Wait til they switch from thinking you can fix anything to you don't know a thing and they know everything. Or when you're sitting at home knowing they are out there having to make their own decisions and you're just hoping they say "no" at the right times. To me, the hard times are yet to come.

My only advice to anyone is to do a little reading. There isn't an owner's manual to having kids, or one right way to do any of it. But, in my eyes, the people that are really frustrating are the ones that DO think they know the right solution to everything and aren't open to seeing other options. Though the phases of growth, see how others have dealt with it and then see what makes sense to you.

 

[Lightcs1776]

<snip>My daughter just turned 8 months old, and what you call hard part is not that hard </snip>

I'll second this statement. I have four kids, only one is still in high school. From my experience, those "tough days" when they were babies or toddlers were a piece of cake compared to later years. Yes, you lose some sleep changing, feeding, bringing the little one to momma to feed, etc. Later in life you lose sleep through things you have no control over; choices your kids make that could be life changing. Are they driving safely, are they choosing a good career path, is that boyfriend / girlfriend a positive influence, are they drinking responsibly or putting themselves at risk in various ways, and on and on it goes. It doesn't stop when they turn 18 nor does it stop when they move out on their own. I look back now and realize how simple those times were when all I had to do to protect my kids was place them in a playpen.

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[Haggises]

Were your children planned?
Yes
Were you prepared?
No. Heck no. But we made it work. We put off babies for a while because we knew we weren't ready. Turns out, you never are.

At what point did you feel confident in your parental abilities?
Next year, when today's problems have gone by and they're a little more mature to deal with life's difficulties.
I've been telling myself that everyday since the first birth 17 years ago.
You do your best and enjoy the heck out of them. Savour every moment because before you know it, they're off to school, then Middle school, then high school, and college is just around the corner.
You look your kid in the eye and suddenly realize you're not looking down anymore.

And don't let anyone tell you that you need to be married or you need religion to make it work. You do what you're comfortable with.

 

[The Knize]

<We put off babies for a while because we knew we weren't ready. Turns out, you never are..

A question, then, is do you regret putting off for awhile? I am sure not saying the OP should put off having kids indefinitely waiting for some special moment when he is certain psychologically he can be a great parent. He is 23 years old. His girlfriend is 21. There is a lot of time in the world to have children. Would any of us suggest that he make any life long commitments at this age in these circumstances? To me, a child is a life long commitment.

Re: "turns out you never are." I agree with that. Nothing can prepare one for the experience of being a parent. That does not mean that one cannot be more prepared--psychologically, financially, situationally--at one time than another. I personally believe that one should not have children unless and until one can say, I've got this adult thing down. I am taking good care of myself and my mate, I know where I am going (or at least where I would like to go), I am confident that I can take on the responsibility for another person for the rest of my life.

That is a very long way from saying, "now that I am a parent, I know that I could never have imagined the intensity and the depth of the experience. Just how clear it is that I would give my life in a heartbeat for my child. The utter permanence of this new state of being." No, no one is "ready" for that. And it would be nice if that was all there was to being a responsible parent.

It is a banality, a cliché, to hear people of a certain age say, "I had kids too young. It really destroyed my life. I just did not know at the time what I know now. I love my kids and they are the most important thing to me in my life and they make it so much richer. But I wish I had waited." I would bet there are people on this forum who feel this way. It may be that those for whom everything worked out are happy to post. For those for which it did not, perhaps they are concerned about revealing this in a public forum. I would be concerned.

<And don't let anyone tell you that you need to be married>

This is not a moral issue with me, believe me. Not being married speaks to me of not really being committed. It seems to me, that if one cannot get to the commitment of being married, one sure cannot get to the commitment I think one should have in having children. One can always get a divorce. Most of us do. A child is forever. So not being married reads as leaving an escape hatch to me. And if one feels they need an escape hatch, they should not be having children. Perhaps someone can tell me from the child's perspective what the disadvantage of their parents being married is. Children more than crave stability. They need stability in order to thrive. And I am first and foremost on the side of the children here.

Let me try one other tack, here. Other posters, if the OP were your son in the same circumstances, and he came to you with the same question, what would your advice be? As a potential grandparent, how would you feel about it? (For that matter, I believe that part of the responsibilities as a parent include the potential responsibilities of being a good grandparent.) For that matter, I would think a great source of advice for the OP would be his parents.

I will stop ranting now, I promise. Again, I say what I say out of love--for all of you!

 

[cleanshaved]

My fiancé, whom I refer to as my wife on here

we have a 3 year old daughter that I consider my own

and I have been talking about having a baby

My fiancé

I just highlighted a few things that tell me you are ready.
It also sounds like your future wife is ready. Nuf said.

 

[Graybeard57]

The "hard part" isn't all that hard. You'll be sleep deprived for awhile, but you won't mind, because you're taking care of your child. Fatherhood is a precious gift, and the best job you'll ever have. When you and your fiance are ready, go for it and don't look back. My three sons were planned.

 

[The Knize]

<My fiancé, whom I refer to as my wife on here, and I have been talking about having a baby.>

I was thinking about this thread, and it occurred to me, as I think it must have earlier to some of those posting here who are more astute and worldly, and less naïve than I am, that it is possible that first sentence of the first post could actually be something like "have been talking about having a baby, which is a natural thing for us to be talking about, as she is pregnant."

If that sentence fits, I would not have been providing any advice! Best of luck, however!

 

[Doraemon]

My wife and I decided to have a child 3 years ago. We had been together for 8 years at the time. We are both quite busy, she works in a large American investment bank, and at the time I was teaching business classes while running a business myself. We weren't worried about the cost of having and raising children, but not having the time to do it properly. But we decided to do it.

My wife became pregnant immediately, and some 9 months later, our daughter was born. It was an amazing moment, and the sensation I felt most strongly at the time was relief. Not because our new daughter was big, strong, and healthy, or because my wife had no complications, but because I had done what nature calls to be done, created a new life. One day I will die, but my daughter carries part of my life inside of her. We live on through our children.

I remember feeding her the first bottle, and changing the first diaper. It was an amazing experience.

Being a busy person, and a light sleeper, I worried about having to get up and change diapers or feed her every couple of hours. I thought I would not get enough sleep to work properly. My wife would have happily done these things, but she is a heavy sleeper, and by the time she would wake up, our baby would be too upset to fall asleep again soon. I would wake up when she started moving around, before she would begin to cry. A quick feeding and diaper change, and she would be back to sleep within minutes.

I did lose a lot of sleep, but it made no real difference. I yawned a little more at work than I normally did, but that was the only change.

In our own lives, we don't get a second chance to do things again. I try to make sure that our daughter gets it right the first time. I pay attention to her education and her play. I pay for her to go to a private pre-school, and have already enrolled her in the best school in the city. My life is not bad, but it is not as good as it might have been if I had had a better start. I am giving my daughter the best start we can afford, and I hope she does the same for her own children.

Here in Japan there is an old principle about successive generations. Each new generation should be able to do better than the generation which preceded it. Each generation should be smarter, wiser, and wealthier. Our job is not necessarily to focus on our own well being, but for the well being of those who follow us. Many people ask what they can do to make the world a better place. The answer is to be as successful and productive as you can.

 

[The Knize]

<Many people ask what they can do to make the world a better place.>
My answer to this--and this is not original to me--would be raise empathetic, grounded children.

 

[Joma12]

You're fiancé has already went through the growing pains, both literal and metaphorical. This is you're saving grace. If anything, she's going to tell you what to do. Survive the terrible twos, and you earn your salt I say.

Planned our kid/s, currently trying.
Surprisingly, going through puppyhood twice gave me tremendous amounts of confidence in my child rearing abilities. Before I catch flak for it, I do know there is a giant difference, just saying it's an ego boost knowing what kind of dynamic I have with my wife.

 

[Bbb34]

Were your children planned?

Yes

Were you prepared?

I felt I was at the time, but you're never really "ready".

At what point did you feel confident in your parental abilities?

You learn, you adapt, you grow as a parent as you go, you get confident pretty quickly. As for advice, you know, all the common sense things, just make sure you give them your time, support and lots of patience and love and go from there.