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Engagement ring questions

Soooooooo......

Yup, our 5th Year-A-Versary with my girlfriend is coming up and it's time. Last year she subscribed to Wedding's magazine and I keep finding her Tivo'ing wedding shows on HGTV (DAMN YOU NEWLY ACQUIRED CABLE TV!!!!) So I've got a couple guideline questions....

1) Is the three month rule real or just DeBoers marketing nonsense. Is there a certain price range I should be going for?
2) I should be doing this by myself, right? I've noticed some people buying them together, but that cheapens it in my opinion.

***3 and this is important) When we first started going out, we were watching TV and a DeBoers commercial came on. She promptly stated: "God, I hate diamonds. Biggest marketing BS ever imagined." Since then, over the years, I think she's taken that back somewhat after her mention of many beautiful diamond rings and her asking me, jokingly, "when am I gonna get a big fat diamond, Zach?" She likes rubies, which is cool because those actually ARE rare, they're just about as stong as diamonds, and there's no such thing as a "Blood Ruby" unless you're describing the color. But I have never seen a ruby engagement ring and, though social norms are of course BS, I'm still held by this voice in the back of my head saying "it's not an engagement ring unless it's a diamond ring." She probably hears the same thing. What are your thoughts on that?

4) She loves Art Nouveau. She incorporates it into her art, some of her decorating and even some clothing. It's deep in her, so I'd like to get her a ring with an Art Nouveau design. The only problem with this is that there's really nothing made new that does it, let alone doing it well at all. 2 years ago I gave her a "promise ring" (my way of buying time until now... and it worked great! :wink:) that has somewhat of that design aesthetic, but it just doesn't do it. When I was looking for it, I went to a couple of *really* nice estate jewelry places downtown that had great old vintage pieces, but they were vintage. I guess this one is more towards the ladies, but I want to know-- is a vintage ring, that was probably worn by another woman, a big no no? It would fit the bill perfectly, but I'm sure there's some ramifications to this.

Thanks for reading this far. It's a lot of questions, but this is important to me, so there's about a thousand more questions coming out of my brain. If you have any other pointers please throw them my way as I don't have any older siblings I can rap with about it, nor any other married friends (at 28 you'd think that wouldn't be the case...).

Thanks!
 
I've known a number of women that received a vintage ring and they loved them. I guess it depends on the person. If you're worried about her not wanting something used, there are quite a few custom jewelers out there. I'm sure one could do something for you in that style, but it's not going to be cheap.

I'd suggest bringing her along to find out what she likes if you're worried about that.

The whole 3 month rule is old and cliche. Buy something that she's going to be proud to wear and you're going to be proud to give.

Go for the diamond.
 
I would just go for something simple. I think a diamond is called for here...it is traditional and quite fancy (even my wife who said the same thing was happy to get a diamond).

I think the simpler it is the btter (may just be my tastes), but if you try too hard to make it fancy it just might be too much (like the cluster diamonds and all that). I would go for one nice stone on a fairly simply band...something that will truly never go out of style.

Just my 2 cents.
 
1) Is the three month rule real or just DeBoers marketing nonsense. Is there a certain price range I should be going for?
2) I should be doing this by myself, right? I've noticed some people buying them together, but that cheapens it in my opinion.
***3 and this is important) When we first started going out, we were watching TV and a DeBoers commercial came on. She promptly stated: "God, I hate diamonds. Biggest marketing BS ever imagined." Since then, over the years, I think she's taken that back somewhat after her mention of many beautiful diamond rings and her asking me, jokingly, "when am I gonna get a big fat diamond, Zach?"
4) She loves Art Nouveau. !
OK...IMHO....
1) As letterk said.
2-4) Well, yes and no (or maybe I should say "know" :wink: ). Take her to a jewelry store and look at rings. Get a feel for what she likes vs. what's available vs. what you can afford. Then get something when she isn't around.

--Mark
 
I would purchase a solitaire setting with diamond. Many jewelers will credit back the cost of the setting towards a new setting that you could pick out together. So she is surprised by the engagement, then can help pick out exactly what she wants.

I would suggest heading to the Gift Center on Brannan. There are quite a few jewelers and you will be getting more for your money than most retail establishments. PM me with any questions...
 
I would purchase a solitaire setting with diamond. Many jewelers will credit back the cost of the setting towards a new setting that you could pick out together. So she is surprised by the engagement, then can help pick out exactly what she wants.

I would suggest heading to the Gift Center on Brannan. There are quite a few jewelers and you will be getting more for your money than most retail establishments. PM me with any questions...


I think you nailed it with the solitaire. This way, get her a nice sized stone and then propose. You get the suprise her and keep the mystery alive, blah blah bla. But, you can reset the stone into another setting if she wants something more dramatic/unique/etc.

As far as the 3 month rule, I would say it depends. I proposed when I didn't make anything. Then again, I still don't (I am a law student), but that is another story... Anyway, the result was a ring that is less than impressive. My wife still loves it, but it is somewhat small and I know that I would have liked to have given her something bigger. But, in the end it really doesn't matter. As long as she says yes and you guys take care of each other, who cares about the ring?

wtg
 
But I have never seen a ruby engagement ring and, though social norms are of course BS, I'm still held by this voice in the back of my head saying "it's not an engagement ring unless it's a diamond ring."
My brother's wife has a huge jade ring as her engagement ring. Because of the horrifing amount of blood diamonds out there, and my sister-in-law's very firm convictions, my brother would provided the ultimate insult to her bringing her a diamond. But that's my sister-in-law. If your girlfriend doesn't have that same conviction, get her a diamond.

+1 on the three month thing. My wife loves her ring because it's her ring, and I got it for her. If three months salary is what you want to pay for it, go ahead.
 
You should Tivo the History Channel program "Blood Diamonds" and have her watch it.:biggrin1:


Look into cultured diamonds. They're about the same price and are FLAWLESS. In fact they are so perfect that they have to add impurities to them else light gets trapped in them and when you turn the lights off, they glow briefly in the dark. DeBeers sees cultured diamonds as an end to their inflated prices and monopoly on the diamond market and have started a campaign about how mined diamonds are superior to cultured diamonds (yea, right).


To paraphrase a buddy of mine: Are women so crazy for diamonds because they've been brainwashed into it? Or is it because they want the blood of dead men to stain their hands forever?
 
I gave my wife a vintage ring ("estate jewelry" they call it), and she loved it. But I already knew she liked estate jewelry; YMMV. There's no broad rule it's a no-no, though; it will depend on the woman. After I found one I thought she'd like, I brought my mom and sister to get their opinions on it. The opinion was unanimous. Frankly, the settings were different then, and apparently there's nothing new made the same way (or so I'm told; I'm no expert).
 
The three month rule is crap - but, as other said, it does need to be commensurate with what you earn, legitimate (as opposed to unrealistic expectations - I know a guy who had to wait several years to get engaged so he could save up the $30K needed to get the girlfriend the "dream" ring - is he in for big problems down the road!).

While my wife wanted a diamond of a respectible quality, the fact that I picked the stone and then worked with a jeweller to custom design the setting meant more to her than size or price. That being said, if I had bought her a little chip, she would not have been happy! On the other hand, a friend of mine knew he had to buy a ring with more bling than any of his girlfriend's friends - someone else who is for big problems.

No matter what most women say, its a diamond they want - they may like coloured stones, but there's something about a diamond solitaire.

Some people like the three-stone rings - large centre stone flanked by two smaller stones.

I also agree that you should pick something classic - with an art nouveau twist so that it will stand the test of time. There are lots of nice vintage pieces around, but the odds of finding just what your girlfriend wants are slim and will entail lots of time looking. Also some people don't like the thought of wearing someone else's ring - you need to know your girlfriend.

Educate yourself regarding the 4Cs (cut, colour, clarity, caratweight) and spend some time reading about what is more/less important (unless you're independently wealthy, there will be tradeoffs, so you need to know where they can be made). Also, get recommendations from friends who've just gone through the process and then shop around a bit on your own before going with your girlfriend.

Sometimes you can get a better deal if you can find a wholesaler to buy the stone from - not sure if that's an option for you. But I suggest picking the stone separately from the ring - no two stones are alike - even if they have the same stats - for example two stones can have the same clarity rating, but one might have a very visible inclusion, while the other could have the same size inclusion in a spot that will be hidden by a prong, etc.

If you're looking for a custom ring, it may make sense to buy the stone from where you can get the best deal and then go to a jeweller you like to do a custom setting. The jeweller I worked with had a huge catalogue with lots of ideas - once I decided what features I liked, we went to a parts catalogue to pick the specific components (band/setting) that worked best.

If you're worried about ethics, you can buy a Canadian diamond, but they're not necessarily widely available and can be more expensive.

Also, set limits for yourself - you don't want to start your life as a married couple with a loan taken out for what is essentially compacted coal!

Or you can skip the diamond and buy a moissanite - which is such a good clone that it often fools experts (just joking - but you would save yourself a fonrtune! :biggrin: )

http://www.4facets.com/moissanite.html

Good luck!
 
DeBeers created the "3 months salary" as part of a marketing ploy back when your grand-pappy was still looking for the right girl. I suspect that the number was based on a study of the savings and credit available to the target demographic. You should price her ring based on what you can comfortably afford or what you are willing to spend. I've always felt that there is a certain expectation that you stretch your budget enough to make it seem special, but if going for broke means that the two of you eat top ramen and sleep on the floor during your first year together I doubt that she will be impressed. I gave my girlfriend a 1C Moissanite solitaire as a promise ring because she had expressed ethical concerns regarding diamonds while still displaying classic symptoms of diamond lust during moments of weakness. She loves that ring and was actually relieved that I didn't put a $10,000 stone in it, though I'm sure she would have forgiven me my lax morals if I had...

I have always liked the idea of avoiding a big diamond for ethical reasons, but my old roomate's bride makes a face whenever someone asks about her saphire engagement ring. You do not want to be that guy. I am sort of coming up against the same issue. What would I recommend? Have a conversation about it. Maybe not about engagement rings (you don't want to spoil the surprise) but you should be able to guage her thoughts regarding the whole diamond issue. I think many women are concerned that their ring won't have the credibility of a big diamond ring when it hits the girlfriends/parents circuit. If she really is morally opposed to the diamond industry this won't bother her.

Regarding artistic style and vintage versus new, do not completely rule out custom fabrication because you think it will be too expensive. You will certainly pay more to have a one-of-a-kind setting, but it may not be as outrageous as you are imagining, especially if the alternative is a setting with which you are not happy. I also believe that there is a certain romance to vintage rings (if you can avoid imagining what they looked like on the last corpse who wore them). Be very careful regarding gemstones in vintage rings as it is quite difficult to tell the exact nature of a set stone. You're probably better off buying a vintage setting and having it replated (if necessary) set with a new stone by a jeweler of your choice. That way you also get the added bonus of having a gemstone (probably the most sentimental part of the ring) that is not recycled.
 
Just a suggestion but I think the Tension Set rings look, by far, the spiffiest.
Of course that is what I got my wife so I am biased ;)

Hers looks like this one:
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Also, if you are getting white gold be aware that generally it is rhodium plated to make it appear pure white. Many jewelers off free re-plating but it seems a bit of a pain.
If you can find someone that will make your ring in 19k white gold, that will be pure white on its own and requires no plating.

I was particularly keen on the 19k for my ring as I beat the heck out of it and a plating layer would not be likely to hold up.
 

Doc4

Stumpy in cold weather
Staff member
Okay, her talk all that time ago about not wanting a big honking diamond ... was to convince you that she was not high-maintenance. Of course she wants a knock-out ring.

Three-month rule? Nonsense. Figure out how much you want to spend, and there you go. That's probably a question to figure out with her together ... she may want to spend the avaialble cash on the ring, the wedding, the honeymoon, paying down the mortgage, or whatever.

Shopping together? Do it. For one, it buys you a little more time (but hey, after 5 years ... get on with it before she moves on!!), and it lets her pick what she wants ... diamond, ruby, solitaire, cluster, vintage, &c. Problems solved. This makes it important to get her on board with the price of the ring ... after all, you and she will be paying for it out of what otherwise would be family funds. You both need to realise that you pay for rings out of your pocket ... a magical ring-fairy doesn't bring them for free. (Guys know that, girls ... maybe not so much.) Don't cheap out (she'll resent that forever) but treat it like any other major purchase in your (almost) married life, needing joint imput and decision making.

Ruby? Sure, if that's what she wants. Any ring can be an engagement ring, if it's the ring she wants to wear.
 
Hi

For what it's worth, and IMHO you can't beat a good old sparkler! A good quality diamond is with out doubt special and a wonderful thing. A single hunk of clear stone representing the love between two people, and is as transparent as your relationship should be. I believe there is not a Woman alive who can’t be impressed with a first class well cut multi-facetted solitaire set in a ring that sets it off and makes it sparkle like it’s on fire in the sun light. My advice is go for the cut not the size too big is vulgar too small is cheap. From my experience, my wife would not thank me for a whopper 3-4 Carat as she would be frightened to go out in it on a day to day basis. Besides, and don’t forget it is her who has got to have it on her finger hopefully for the rest of her life. My wife has now worn her engagement ring for 25 years and no matter how I try she will not change it for a bigger one. She likes the one she was given and simply won’t change it. I respect her for that and thank my lucky stars that I made the right choice all those years ago.
 
Only advice I can give is don't skimp. This is a ring that she will wear the rest of her life (eh hopefully ;) so make it something she'll be proud to wear and will want to show off. So short of putting yourself in financial ruin, I would say stretch yourself, within reason, to get something so there's no regrets.
 
Find someone you trust who knows something about diamonds. I know squat about diamonds, and had no real urge to do the research. A neighbor of mine worked in the diamond district before his retirement. I told him what I wanted to spend, and some of the cuts my wife expressed interest in. Two days later he knocked on my door with a pocket full of loose diamonds, from right out of the safe. We went through them one by one, and he was a huge help telling me which ones I should be interested in, and which ones I should pass on. He gave me the diamond at his cost, and he mounted it in my wife's choice of setting as an engagement gift.

If I don't do things that sort of way, a diamond is something I'll always feel robbed after a purchase, regardless of what price I paid.
 
Great advice so far, but I'll still offer up my humble opinion.

I don't think shopping together cheapens the experience. For my wife and I it was a positive experience and I was comforted in knowing that this is one less thing I'm going to screw up, lol, as I knew I'd be getting her what she wanted. When it came time for my ring, we found one that we both liked and that was that. We're both very happy with our rings and to be honest, it took a little stress out of the whole ordeal.

Also agreed that you can't go wrong with, but should not be limited to a diamond.

As a parting note, I'll echo that less is more. Good Luck and congratulations!
 

ouch

Stjynnkii membörd dummpsjterd
Okay, her talk all that time ago about not wanting a big honking diamond ... was to convince you that she was not high-maintenance. Of course she wants a knock-out ring.

+ whatever comes after infinity

I was comforted in knowing that this is one less thing I'm going to screw up, lol, as I knew I'd be getting her what she wanted. When it came time for my ring, we found one that we both liked and that was that. We're both very happy with our rings and to be honest, it took a little stress out of the whole ordeal.

How get Lynchmeister get his custom title? He earned it. :thumbup:
 

OldSaw

The wife's investment
I always thought it was two months and that was more than I was willing to pay. Anyway, toss the three month rule, it's your money and you will have plenty of other things to pay for.

As guys we get all bent over cut, color and clarity. The ladies will almost always take the fourth "C", carat or size over anything else. So get her the biggest honkin stone, regardless of type, you are willing to afford. It is also good to get a little feedback before going buying if it will require going in hock for it. How practical is she? She may get peeved the first month of bill paying when the ring payments start coming in for the next three years. After all, it's your's, mine and ours now.

After a few years my lovely bride wanted an even bigger stone, so she bought herself a huge, (3 or 4 c) cubic zirconium in a really nice 14K gold setting. This thing looks so good, only the most experienced observer or jeweler can tell the difference. She's very practical.
 
1st. Educate yourself. I found BlueNile.com to do a good intro into diamonds. Also they give you a good idea of what you can get for your money.

2nd. Find the best jewelery shop you feel comfortable. This is hard, you might need a female friend to recommend something. Alternatively, you can find a goldsmith to custom make your band to a "Art Nouveau" style, but this will take time (6-9 months) and patience (going back to tweak the wax model) to get your final product. But if you do find a good goldsmith, then your ring band will be truly unique since both of you design it.

3rd. Get the diamond yourself and place it on a temporary ring. Surprise is key. You can come back to the jewelery store together and select the right band for her. I figure, she will be wearing it for a long time, might as well be something she really likes.
 
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