Patient experiencing urinary incontinence calls doctor's office to make an appointment. Receptionist: "Dr.______'s office, can you hold?"
Doctor Jokes
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Nurse pulls her rectal thermometer out of her jacket pocket and says "some @$$hole's got my pen."
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- #3
Sign on Medical Clinic door. "You must wear a mask and get your temperature taken when entering the clinic" P.S. We only have rectal thermometers available."
Patient: Someone graffiti'd my house last night!
Doctor: So why are you telling me?
Patient: I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?
Doctor: So why are you telling me?
Patient: I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?
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- #5
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
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Bet she was a blonde nurse 
Or as hard of hearing as I was when I was a nurse!Bet she was a blonde nurse
That darn HIPPA!
That's funny!!
Doctors says what wrong,
Patient places his finger to his knee and says - "it hurts when I do this", Places it to his foot and says "and it hurts when I do this", Places it to his other shoulder and says, "and it hurts when I do this".
What do you think it is Doc?
He says "you've got a broken finger"
Patient places his finger to his knee and says - "it hurts when I do this", Places it to his foot and says "and it hurts when I do this", Places it to his other shoulder and says, "and it hurts when I do this".
What do you think it is Doc?
He says "you've got a broken finger"
A man goes to see the doctor and says - Doc, every morning at 7 I pee like a horse. Then every morning at 8, I crap like a cow.
Ok, so what’s the problem?
I don’t get out of bed till 9.
____________________________
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says - What happened to your ears?
He says - Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.
The boss says - Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?
Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor.
Ok, so what’s the problem?
I don’t get out of bed till 9.
____________________________
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says - What happened to your ears?
He says - Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.
The boss says - Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?
Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste
Owen Bawn
Garden party cupcake scented
Remember Norm Crosby and how he mangled the language? He had one bit about taking his wife to the OB-GYN.
"Hey Doc, where's the fraternity ward? My wife needs to see a groinocologist. She hasn't demonstrated in 3 months and I think she's stagnant."
"Hey Doc, where's the fraternity ward? My wife needs to see a groinocologist. She hasn't demonstrated in 3 months and I think she's stagnant."
the taste
EclipseRedRing
I smell like a Christmas pudding
A very old joke. A man goes to a doctor wearing nothing but cling film. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts".
A middle aged woman is on the operating table when she suddenly dies. She sees God and asks if she is going to live. God replies yes, and she has 30 more years. The doctors manage to revive her amd finish the surgery.
While in recovery she decides to make the most of her hospital stay and news of 30 more years of life and receives a nose job, botox injection, a bigger chest, butt lift, tummy tuck, the whole works.
On the day she is discharged from the hospital, she puts on a beautiful long black dress and her favorite heels, and as she is leaving the hospital she is struck by an arriving ambulance and pronounced dead at the scene.
Up in heaven she goes to God and says "I thought i had 30 more years!!!" God replies "I'm sorry, i didn't recognize you."
While in recovery she decides to make the most of her hospital stay and news of 30 more years of life and receives a nose job, botox injection, a bigger chest, butt lift, tummy tuck, the whole works.
On the day she is discharged from the hospital, she puts on a beautiful long black dress and her favorite heels, and as she is leaving the hospital she is struck by an arriving ambulance and pronounced dead at the scene.
Up in heaven she goes to God and says "I thought i had 30 more years!!!" God replies "I'm sorry, i didn't recognize you."
A guy goes to his doctor.
Doctor says, “you’ve got to stop masturbating.”
Guy says! “Why.”
Dr. Says, “because I’m trying to examine you.”
Doctor says, “you’ve got to stop masturbating.”
Guy says! “Why.”
Dr. Says, “because I’m trying to examine you.”
I don’t have a joke.
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- #20
I asked my cardiologist what was the worst time to have a heart attack. She said " When you're playing a game of charades"
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