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Biblical/Religious Shaving Jokes and Puns

PeachyKleen

PeachyKleen

The un-Kosher Boar Brush must have hit a nerve. I am blaming Tarsyn for this spate of groaners!

I am working with a religious fundraiser (fund'Razor), and have been tasked with coming up with biblical jokes....These came up this morning while lathering. Pardon any offence.

If Abraham were to shave, why does he use a Safety Razor? Why?
Because Heathens worship multiple blades, but Abraham beleives in just one perfect blade


Issac tried on Clubman Lime Sec. Blech. He immediately tossed it out. He didn't like Ishmael.

Moses gave Zipporah (his wife) a Lady Gillette - she couldn't stand the burning bush. (NSFW)

The 5th commandment according to the Razor ha-Dibrot: Honor thy father's Safety and Straight razor. Do not use your Mothers
the 10th commandment Do not covet your neighbor's Toggle

What do the Caananites shave with? a Ba'al Tech

bring on some more groaners...as you can see, the bar is pretty low!
 
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tpoof

tpoof

Timing is perfect!
Just got this from my Bro this morning...


Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,
but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven
from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was
Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for
some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These
plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.


God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them
His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on
the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed
up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I
guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been
born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the
door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius
the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands
instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.


Jesus's twelve opossums. :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
hope you's enjoy!:smile:
 
Doc4

Doc4

Stumpy in cold weather
Staff member
Oh Lord, gide this Thread to a safe future, free from the perils of tasteless humour and offensive comments that could so easily plague it!

tpoof said:
... Humor thy father and thy mother ...
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
nuovorecord

nuovorecord

Have you guys seen this coffee mug?

proxy.php


My wife and kids gave this to me for Father's Day. As you add hot liquid to it, Jesus' transforms from a bearded coupon clipper (Jesus Saves) to a clean-shaven, BBS savior (Jesus Shaves!). Cracked me up. Unfortunately, it isn't dishwasher safe, as we came to find out. :frown:

http://www.philosophersguild.com/index.lasso?page_mode=Product_Detail&item=0981
 
AACJ

AACJ

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Chimensch

Chimensch

profsaffel said:
Really? Where's that? Just curious.
Click to expand...

Leviticus 19:27,

Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

It is actually the Talmud, interpreting this verse, that says you shouldn't scrape your face with a knife.
 
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Obsessed

Obsessed

Anyone remember the Barney Miller episode when Inspector Luger caused a riot by suggesting to a group of Orthodox Jews that they "go home and take a shave"? Classic.
 
T

TstebinsB

Chimensch said:
Leviticus 19:27,

Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

It is actually the Talmud, interpreting this verse, that says you shouldn't scrape your face with a knife.
Click to expand...

I've always questioned this interpretation.

- If you study the Hebrew, this verse means not to cut the side of the head - sideburns.
- If you include shaving the head in the interpretation, then look at ancient history. Shaving the head was a pagan practice as part of mourning a death or recent imprisonment. It was part of self-mutilation for the purpose of mourning.
- With that historical perspective in mind, look at other verses later on related to shaving in Deut., Amos, and Micah. They all reference the dead and the self-mutilation of mourning. Even Lev. 19:28 goes on to discuss the dead.

To each his own.
 
norman931

norman931

In the OT, Joseph shaved before he was brought to Pharoah. One of the requirements of the Nazarites (like Samson) was that a razor not come near their heads. God told the prophet Ezekiel to shave his head and his beard with a barber's razor, as related in Ezekiel chapter 5. In the NT, the apostle Paul shaved his head because he had a vow.
BTW, God is monitoring this thread, and you guys are VERY LUCKY that HE has a sense of humor! :biggrin:

"During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Democrats."
What about his eating with the Republicans and sinners? :smile:
 
Chimensch

Chimensch

TstebinsB said:
I've always questioned this interpretation.

- If you study the Hebrew, this verse means not to cut the side of the head - sideburns.
- If you include shaving the head in the interpretation, then look at ancient history. Shaving the head was a pagan practice as part of mourning a death or recent imprisonment. It was part of self-mutilation for the purpose of mourning.
- With that historical perspective in mind, look at other verses later on related to shaving in Deut., Amos, and Micah. They all reference the dead and the self-mutilation of mourning. Even Lev. 19:28 goes on to discuss the dead.

To each his own.
Click to expand...


I think that you are absolutely correct and have put your finger on one of the key characteristics of Talmudic Judaism. The Karaites, a sect of Judaism that rejects the Talmud, interpret this passage the way you do, based on its clear meaning. Talmudic Judaism, on the other, interprets the bible in ways that, in the end, totally contradict the plain meaning of the text, which is why the Karaites are so hated by Talmudic Jews.
 
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