Found it somewhere on the internet
Best Irish joke
- Thread starter abj
- Start date
Man, that was funny!
I needed that!
Reminds me of family.
Reminds me of family.
Irish lad walks home one night. Finds his dad on the doorstep crying over a broken bottle of whisky.
"Dad" he says "No need to cry over a broken bottle of whisky"
"Son, tis not the broken bottle of whisky I'm crying about . . . tis the glass shards in me tongue"
"Dad" he says "No need to cry over a broken bottle of whisky"
"Son, tis not the broken bottle of whisky I'm crying about . . . tis the glass shards in me tongue"
Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. One turns to the other and says, ‘It was a beautiful ceremony, wasn’t it?!’
‘It was’, replied the friend. ‘Listen – when I die, will you pour a decent bottle of whiskey over my grave, as a toast?’.
‘I will’, says the friend. ‘But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?’
‘It was’, replied the friend. ‘Listen – when I die, will you pour a decent bottle of whiskey over my grave, as a toast?’.
‘I will’, says the friend. ‘But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?’
I'm going to steal this...
Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to git cancer?”
“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”
“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.”
“And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.“But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’ . . .
What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with.
“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”
“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.”
“And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.“But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’ . . .
What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were stranded on an uncharted, remote island. After years of barely surviving and all hope of rescue gone, the three men found a bottle. A strange bottle, with a cork plugging it up. Each man was too weakened to pull the cork himself, but together all three were able to get the bottle opened.
Out popped a Genie!
Since they had all had a hand in freeing the Genie from the bottle, they each received a one-wish share of the traditional three wishes. The Englishman piped up right away ...
"I wish I was sitting in The Ritz, in a new Savile Row suit, with a paid-for four course dinner and bottle of Latour!" ... and **poof** he was gone. A few moments passed, while the Scotsman stroked his chin in thought. Then he spoke:
"I wish I was sitting in my favourite pub back in Glasgow, with a bottle of 30-year-old Macallan and a full-scottish breakfast with extra black pudding ... all paid for of course!" ... and **poof** he was gone.
The Irishman continued to ponder. He new he had only one wish, and he knew he needed to make it count. But he just couldn't decide ... he couldn't find a way to come up with a great wish like his two friends had done. After twenty minutes of silent pondering, the Genie was losing patience.
"Hurry up, son, before this wish expires!" he boomed.
"Oh dear ... oh dear ... I wish my two friends were here to help me decide!"
**poof** **poof**.
An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman were in a pub getting a pint. When a fly started buzzing around. The fly landed in the Englishman's beer;
"Pardon me bartender, there seems to be a fly in my pint, mind pouring me a new one?"
The fly took off and landed the Scotsman's beer;
The Scotsman pinched the fly and took him out of the beer and took a swig.
The fly recovered and landed in the Irishman's beer;
The Irishman started screaming at the fly while pinching him above his pint, "Spit it out you dirty bastard, spit it out!"
"Pardon me bartender, there seems to be a fly in my pint, mind pouring me a new one?"
The fly took off and landed the Scotsman's beer;
The Scotsman pinched the fly and took him out of the beer and took a swig.
The fly recovered and landed in the Irishman's beer;
The Irishman started screaming at the fly while pinching him above his pint, "Spit it out you dirty bastard, spit it out!"
