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A PIF for comedians

In honor of April fools day, I am putting together a PIF. I guess PIF is a polite word for saying I'm shipping someone a bunch of junk I dont want.

All kidding aside, I went through my stuff, and I have put together what would make a really nice kit for someone starting out.

There is a once used King C Gillette safety razor, a stainless steel shave bowl, a Clubman synthetic shave brush, 3 pucks of Col. conks lime soap, a puck of Williams soap, 2 packs of shark super stainless blades and it all comes wrapped up in a clubman dopp bag.

I will pay for shipping, but I need it to stay in the CONUS. Sorry Canada, this is payback for Justin Bieber.

To enter to win my junk, i mean supplies, please type the usual "I'm in" and then leave the funniest CLEAN joke you can think of. If you cant think of a joke, might want to get used to your beard. Or try google.

The winner will be whoever posts the joke that makes me laugh the hardest. If you make me laugh too hard though, you may be invoiced for a new pair of pants.

Im here all week. Ba-dum-tiss. But seriously, i will probably give this about a week run I will let you guys know late next week when i pick a winner. If you cant cone up with a joke in a week, dont quit your day job to become a comedian.

So good luck! And get those jokes crackin'!
 

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I'm in.

A rabbi, the sole survivor of a shipwreck, washes up on a remote island. The natives, who call themselves Trids, save the rabbi. Out of gratitude, the rabbi learns all he can about the Trids and tries to join him into their community.

One night, the rabbi heard some the villagers laughing and having a good time. When he looked out the window of his hut, he saw they were running around kicking each other in the butt and laughing. The rabbi, thinking to join in the frivolity raced out of his hut and joined in the festivities.

Suddenly, the natives stopped laughing. One of them walked slowly up to the rabbi with a frown and asked him what he was doing. Realizing he may have overstepped the bounds, the Rabbi began apologizing and explaining he was just trying to go along with everyone else. To which the native replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!" 😁
 
Nice PIF, great razor! Not In.

When we got married the wife had hair down to her butt. It took about two weeks, but I finally convinced her to shave her back!

The wife hates when I tell that. She did have really long hair when we got married, but some fool kept laying on it in the bed and she'd get a painful awakening when she tried to turn over. It was cut after about two weeks.
 
Very nice PIF, not in, but here's one:
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan suddenly appeared.
"Do you want to be the most successful lawyer in the world?" asked the devil.
"But of course," returned the attorney.
"I can make it so you win every case, reap huge settlements, and are asked to speak for news broadcasts. All I need is for you to sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's soul, your parent's soul, and the soul of all your colleagues."
The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, "but what's the catch?"
 
Very nice PIF, not in, but here's one:
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan suddenly appeared.
"Do you want to be the most successful lawyer in the world?" asked the devil.
"But of course," returned the attorney.
"I can make it so you win every case, reap huge settlements, and are asked to speak for news broadcasts. All I need is for you to sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's soul, your parent's soul, and the soul of all your colleagues."
The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, "but what's the catch?"

Speaking of lawyers, Bob is having a bad day. His wife divorced him in court in the morning and in the afternoon he went to bankruptcy court and had a lien placed on everything he owns.

While sitting on a park bench in the evening, he notices something shiny in the bushes. Upon investigation he discovers an antique silver lamp and when picking it up a genie appears.

"Thank you for freeing me! For that, i will grant you three wishes"

Bob thinks real hard and then replies "For starters, i wish we lived in a world without lawyers." The genie snaps his fingers, lawyers disappear forever, and the genie starts along his merry way.

Bob cries out " Hey!!! Where are you going!!! You said i had 3 wishes!! That was only one!!!"

To which the genie replies "What are you going to do? Sue me?"
 
Not in, but I have a few grape jokes.

What's purple and flies?
Supergrape.

What's purple and goes 'slam slam slam slam'?
A 4-door grape.

What's purple and conquered the world?
Alexander the grape.
 
I'm in.

While having a beer with a friend, I mentioned that I thought that my wife was trying to poison me. My friend suggested that he talk to her to see if he could find out for sure. After a couple days, my friend called and told me that he had called my wife and talked to her for about 3 hours. I asked him what he thought and he replied, "Just take the poison"!
 
I’m in!

An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind or they’ll kill them. The first man came back with 10 apples, and the tribe members tell him to put all of them in his *** without making a sound or they’ll kill him. After the second apple he screamed and they killed him. The next man came back with 10 grapes, after inserting 8... 9 grapes he laughed and they killed him. Up in heaven the first man asked the second man why he laughed if he almost lived... to which he said he saw the third man come back with pineapples.
 
Not in.
For our 25th anniversary my wife said “take me somewhere where I’ve never been before.”
I said “Let’s try the kitchen”.
 
Not in.
One day my wife informed me that it was our 14th anniversary. I replied that I didn’t remember breaking two mirrors.
 
Not in, but

True story: As part of a tour group walking between sites down a sidewalk in Rome, a woman behind me was talking to the man next to her. She suddenly said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were my husband." The man replied, "No problem. I thought you were my wife so I wasn't listening."
 
Not in, but

True story: As part of a tour group walking between sites down a sidewalk in Rome, a woman behind me was talking to the man next to her. She suddenly said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were my husband." The man replied, "No problem. I thought you were my wife so I wasn't listening."
LOL
 
Knot inn.

One evening my wife spent about two hours Googling things. Later, as we were preparing for bed, she commented that she wished her bust was larger. I suggested that she try rubbing her cleavage with toilet paper. Since this idea wasn't any more outlandish than what she'd found online, she decided to try it. After she'd been doing this for a few minutes she asked me if I really thought it would work. I answered "It worked for your butt, didn't it?"

The doctors have assured me that eventually I will walk again.
 
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