A Chuckle Helps
- Thread starter guenron
- Start date
Speaking of little old ladies....
An adventurous 70-something woman at the retirement home goes up to an even older looking gent and says, "pull down your pants and I'll tell you how old you are."
The old man doddles over to her, shrugs his shoulders, and says, "what the hell, go ahead" and lowers his drawers.
She fiddles around for a minute, looks up at him with a smile and says, "82!"
"My God you're right, how could you tell that?"
"It's easy," she says, "you told me yesterday"
An adventurous 70-something woman at the retirement home goes up to an even older looking gent and says, "pull down your pants and I'll tell you how old you are."
The old man doddles over to her, shrugs his shoulders, and says, "what the hell, go ahead" and lowers his drawers.
She fiddles around for a minute, looks up at him with a smile and says, "82!"
"My God you're right, how could you tell that?"
"It's easy," she says, "you told me yesterday"
- Thread starter
- #44
A man goes to the doctor and after his examination the doctor prescribes one suppository a day for two weeks. When the man returns for his follow-up visit the doctor asked him how the medication worked. The man said:
" Not worth a damn. For all the good they did me, I might as well shoved them up my arse! "
" Not worth a damn. For all the good they did me, I might as well shoved them up my arse! "
STUN GUN---ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This
was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it
master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and... ... HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF
MASS _DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%_!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three-second burst would be considered
conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This
was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it
master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and... ... HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF
MASS _DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%_!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three-second burst would be considered
conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
That is brilliantly funny and made even more so by the fact that I can mentally picture several of my idiot friends trying the same thing.
What a moron. It was funny anyway.
- Thread starter
- #52
Let us hope that he did this before the opportunity to reproduce, thereby further polluting the gene pool...Austin said:What a moron. It was funny anyway.
The oddest part is that he never really comes out and says, "boy, I'll never do anything like that again!" 
Sometime around 2002 an experiment was conducted a British company called The LaughLab. The goal was to find the worlds funniest joke. People around the world were invited to judge jokes on an Internet site as well as contribute their own. Their research attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.
And this is the result...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Ron
And this is the result...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Ron
That joke is funny every time I hear it.
Arby said:
I've always seen that joke start with "Two Rednecks..."
Randy
Do you know what a redneck's last words are?
"Watch this!"
And a redneck's best friend's last words?
"Hell, I can do that!"
Randy
"Watch this!"
And a redneck's best friend's last words?
"Hell, I can do that!"
Randy
Marty
- Thread starter
- #60
Short read.
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