A Chuckle Helps

[ouch]

I have several five star gems to share, but, alas, Rik and others might find them a tinge off color. Perhaps if I start with a mild one....


A kid applies for a job in a hardware store. The owner explains to him that the secret to working there is to get the customer to buy more than he needs, and offers to demonstrate the technique on the first customer.
A man comes in and says "I'd like to buy a bag of lawn seed". The owner responds, "Certainly. And can I interest you in a lawnmower with that?" The man says "A lawnmower? What do I need a lawnmower for?" The owner says "You're obviously planting a lawn- you'll need a lawnmower", and the customer agrees to the purchase.

The owner asks the kid if he understands. When he nods in agreement, the owner tells him he's up next. A man comes into the store and says "I'll have a box of tampons". The kid says "Certainly, sir. And can I interest you in a lawnmower with that?" The customer and owner are incredulous, and the man says "Now why on Earth would I need a lawnmower with that?" To which the kid replies.......

Your weekend's shot. You might as well mow the lawn.

 

[Nick]

Man, I didn't know there were so many jokes that were family friendly and yet.... funny.

-Nick

 

[mark the shoeshine boy]

mark tssb

 

[DoubleE]

Old men can still think fast

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice:
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and
peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over,
as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

 

[Austin]

 

[Rik]

 

[guenron]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

 

[Cliff]

A man's wife goes kayaking for the day but never returns home. He calls the police, who immediately mount a search.

"Sir, I'm sorry to say that we found her body last night at the bottom of the bay." says the trooper. "But we have some good news and some great news."

How's that?" he cries.

"When we pulled her up, she had two 25-pound king crabs on her," replies the cop.

"So what's the great news?"

"We got four more crabs when we pulled her up again this morning."

 

[roughrider]

Good stuff boys.

 

[crackstar]

These jokes are makin' me laff my tush off!

Jeff

 

[Cliff]

What do they call a cow with no legs ?


Ground Beef.

Cliff

 

[Rog]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, let me explain," said the man.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows."

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'".

 

[Rik]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, let me explain," said the man.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows."

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'".

And he lived?!?

 

[mark the shoeshine boy]

A were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

..and so on and so on ...and then the Greek says: "We invented sex."

The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women...

 

[Austin]

 

[Cliff]

Good one Mark.

 

[DoubleE]

Just as the husband is getting into the shower, his wife is getting out and hears the doorbell ring downstairs. So he goes ahead and gets into the shower and she throws a big towel around her and goes down and answers the door. It is a neighbor and when he sees her, he says "I'll give you $800.00 just to drop that towel" ............. well for $800.00, she decides to go ahead and drop the towel. Later, she goes back upstairs and her husband says, "who was that?" And she said "It was our neighbor, Rick." And the husband says "Good! Did he say anything about the $800.00 that he owes me?"

 

[htownmmm]

A very old woman was speeding down the highway. she was pulled over by a brand new state trooper-he asked for her license and registration.

" sorry, officer, I don't have a license- it was suspended last year for drunk driving". he then asks if this is her car,

"no, it belongs to my husband"

where is he?

" his body is in the trunk".

at this point, the young trooper calls for back-up. As the 2nd trooper arrives, the young one explains the situation to him. the 2nd trooper goes over to the car and asks the old lady for her license and registration, which she hands to him. he then asks about her husband, so she hits the button and the trunk opens-empty. he asks what is going on and she says:

"I don't know, but that liar probably said I was speeding!"

 

[Rog]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

 

[mark the shoeshine boy]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed
a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He
could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" p! ointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet
and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."





mark tssb