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A Chuckle Helps

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend.

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!"

"Then this month..." continued the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"
A game warden finds an man at a popular trout fishing spot with two dozen trout swimming in a bucket. "That's way over the limit," he says. "You're under arrest."

"But officer, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home. I just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week.
When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go home."

"I don't believe it," says the warden. "Show me."

The man promptly dumps the trout into the stream and gazes after them as they swim away.

After a minute, the warden says, "OK, how long?"

"How long what?" says the man.

"How long till you call the fish back?"

"What fish?"
So Santa Claus is getting ready for his annual toy-delivery run, packs his sleigh with gifts, and calls the FAA to send an inspector up, because he is due for his check-flight.

The inspector arrives, checks the airworthiness of the sleigh, and says "Well, Santa, your inspections record checks out and the sleigh looks in well maintained shape. Here is your written portion of the test. So Santa toils away for an hour or so, rustling through his manuals, and finally completes the test.
The FAA inspector grades the test, and says "Santa, you passed with a perfect score! now all that is left is the flight portion itself. No huge deal, we go flying, and I will simulate various emergencies for the sleigh, and see how well you handle it".

So they walk out to the sleigh, and Santa can't help but notice the inspector has a shotgun with him. Finally, they sit down, and before they take off Santa's curiousity gets the better of him.
"Why the shotgun?" he asks. The inspector looks at him for a second, then says:

"Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this........but you can count on losing an engine on take-off......."

John P
A dog limps into a saloon. His right front foot is a bloody mess.
He sets down at the bar.
The bartender walks up and says "what can I do for you?"
The dog says "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw"
A Guy in a store sees a hot woman wave to him.

"Do I know you?" he says, walking over

"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Are you the hooker I was with, behind the Burger King during my son's birthday party?"

"No," she says. "I'm his math teacher."
Greetings Gentlemen,

Just a reminder that we are trying to keep this site family friendly. Please keep the humor flowing but lets try to keep it clean so we can all enjoy it. Have a good one! :smile:
to all who haven't heard this classic song, here are the lyrics:

Shaving Cream

I have a sad story to tell you,
It may hurt your feelings a bit,
Last night when I walked into my bathroom,
I stepped in a big pile of

Shaving cream, be nice and clean,
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.

I think I'll break off with my girlfriend,
Her antics are queer I'll admit,
Each time I say "Darling, I love you"
She tells me that I'm full of

Shaving cream, be nice and clean,
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.

Our baby fell out of the window,
You'd think that her head would be split;
But good luck was with her that morning:
She fell in a barrel of

Shaving cream, be nice and clean,
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.

An old lady died in a bathtub,
She died from a terrible fit,
In order to fulfil her wishes,
She was buried in six feet of

Shaving cream, be nice and clean,
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.

When I was in France with the army,
One day I looked into my kit,
I thought I would find me a sandwich,
But the darn thing was loaded with

Shaving cream, be nice and clean,
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.

And now, folks, my story is ended:
I think it is time I should quit.
If any of you feel offended,
Stick your head in a barrel of

Shaving cream, be nice and clean,
Shave every day and you'll always look keen.
when i was in my youth, I was dating this great looking blonde...she was gorgeous...big blue eyes....nice......you get the picture....the first time we went parking, we were going to town with our tongues and heads and then I asked her "do you want to get in the back seat ?" she said NO....so we went on for a little while and more skin was exposed and I asked her "do you want to get in the back seat ?"...she said NO....we kept going on and on...and I couldn't take the lack of space anymore and I asked her again...do you want to get in the back seat ???"...she said NO...I said "Why not ???" Becasue I want to stay here in front with you !!!!!!

mark the shoeshine boy
She was really dumb Mark, but not as dumb as this one:

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I need to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."
"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's
drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This
here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"


"Did they split yer farwood?"


"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Who says rednecks aren't real bright?!)
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
A Union Shop

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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