I would personally do as my father did. If one is married, they should be supporting themselves. It doesn't mean it will be easy, but neither is marriage.
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Married college kid - should we still support?
- Thread starter datzc
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He sounds like a good son. Support him until he finishes school. When you see him tell him that after grad school he’s on his own. He should be looking for a job now.
Wonder if he might be considering going on for a doctorate.... 
This and what Doc4 said. What is the goal here? To discourage marriage? To discourage advanced schooling? Sounds like a successful kid and daughter-in-law to me. Our goal as parents is to support that, not to make things harder. And if the kids wants to go for a PhD, more power to him. What my kid does without an advanced degree, because someone else's parent help support their kids goals?
Life is hard and not fair. We want our children's family to both fair and not hard.
Uh huh.
But.
When kids are small, we make their beds. At some point we need to let them make their own beds.
OP and spouse are asking, after six years of college and a wedding, when and how to end the financial dependence, right?
But.
When kids are small, we make their beds. At some point we need to let them make their own beds.
OP and spouse are asking, after six years of college and a wedding, when and how to end the financial dependence, right?
It's interesting, I totally agree that we need to support our kids, but my goal is to make my kid independent and not reliant on me. Hence, my "supporting" does not include paying a full grown man and his wife so they can finish grad school... that is not my idea of raising a independent self reliant man. That's more akin to a trust fund baby.
This is important.
Another thought- you say that he’s in his last semester. Is it worth having “the conversation?” Or would it just be easier and more civil to make this transition upon graduation? Your financial support was to facilitate his education, a phenomenal investment in his future. Has marriage changed that?
I would talk to your son in Private and set out a process for them to cutting the strings! I will add to the plan on going 90 days after they get jobs!
I think you need to have a conversation with him/them (your call on if you include her), letting him know that the support ends upon graduation. Finishing his degree this spring means he should have been interviewing last fall on campus. Did he receive any offers? Or his now wife? Has he worked part time during school at all? Or has his schooling come from loans, grants and mom and dad?
Did you, at any time, have a specific conversation with him about when his access to this credit card would end? I get the sense that you (ie your wife) is trying to "alter the deal*" now that Jr. is married. Reading between the lines, I am assuming ...
... that you either told him he could use it "for the duration" of college, or you didn't specify and he would be left to guess the end date (and be justified in assuming it would be the earlier of either the end of college or his becoming financially independent.)
Pending other info about what discussions you and he specifically had about the end date, I'd suggest the upcoming visit would be a good time for you to have a "talk" with him along the lines of:
- really proud of your college acheivements & congrats on being close to completion
- we're really looking forward to you and "Sally" moving on to the next stage of life and becoming independent adults able to look after yourselves
- graduation is probably a good time to wean you off the credit card, like we talked about all those years ago
*pray she doesn't alter it any further.
Just read through all of these. General consensus is it is essential to communicate clearly. A few would cut the purse strings yesterday, many would give notice the support ends at graduation, and some would try to continue financial support past graduation.
It would be better if he has his own credit card. You still can help him by transferring money into his banking account.
Having his own credit card will help building a credit record which may be helpful in the future..
Having his own credit card will help building a credit record which may be helpful in the future..
My wife and I have told ourselves since our one and only begotten was in the womb that we weren't raising a child. We we raising a future adult. It has helped me immensely when I have had to take off the training wheels in the various stages of his life.
He is turning 18 this week. He has about 30 credits toward a business degree. He drives a 2000 Buick Century that is as ugly as it sounds.
I am very proud to be his dad and his friend. But I remind him frequently that of the three of us in this family his position is temporary. I CHOSE his mother, God STUCK me with him, lol.
He is the only person on this planet that I would not hesitate for a split second to jump in front of a bullet for. But it is my DUTY to prepare him for leaving the nest. He'll be fine. This old man will be the one crying like a school girl when he finally leaves the nest.
The OP sounds like he's done a bang up job with that son of his. We should all be so blessed. We all should be asking for his advice, lol.
He is turning 18 this week. He has about 30 credits toward a business degree. He drives a 2000 Buick Century that is as ugly as it sounds.
I am very proud to be his dad and his friend. But I remind him frequently that of the three of us in this family his position is temporary. I CHOSE his mother, God STUCK me with him, lol.
He is the only person on this planet that I would not hesitate for a split second to jump in front of a bullet for. But it is my DUTY to prepare him for leaving the nest. He'll be fine. This old man will be the one crying like a school girl when he finally leaves the nest.
The OP sounds like he's done a bang up job with that son of his. We should all be so blessed. We all should be asking for his advice, lol.
+1 My first thought was, "This guy's son is fine. He and his wife did a great job. Now they just have to keep on the same page together, whichever page that winds up being"
Lol, yes that same page quest is my wife's biggest complaint about me. But after nearly 30 years she is sometimes happy if I can even be in the same book!
I am going to remember that line.
I was a lonely bachelor for 41 years. I drove a Jaguar, played golf several times a week, flew out west for ski trips, and drank XO cognac. Now I am blessed with a family. I drive a 2004 Honda with a radio that works when it's dry, and have no interest in an upgrade. What good is money if you can't share it with your family?
Well...it can get you a Jaguar.
- Thread starter
- #40
Thanks all for the advice and insights. I really appreciate the wide perspective.
I'll answer some of the questions in reverse order.
Yes, he has a personal credit card. That's not a bad idea to transfer some money to his card account to tide him over.
No. When he and has brother went off to college we gave them each a card for a VISA and AMEX and told them it was ok to charge essentials but no parties or vacations or anything that would embarrass them if they had to explain it to us.
yes, what we didn't expect was a marriage while still in school. It's all working out great, but when they announced their engagement all of the parents and families on both sides were rather surprised.
yes - without boring everyone with details he's getting a degree in education so will be doing student teaching in a high school in the fall. His wife already has a job offer I think starting in the 40s so they shouldn't starve. They've both worked summers. During the school year they have jobs on campus (no pay but college requirement to maintain scholarships).
not that I know of. The charges I see coming through are same as always. Grocery store, gas station, Walmart, etc.
I really appreciate this comment. We love our new daughter-in-law unreservedly but I'm pretty much an oaf when it comes to seeing context or between-the-lines things that go on, especially with women (sorry!). It's entirely possible that my wife is thinking that since they went ahead and got married a littler earlier than expected, that they need to cut the apron strings and act like grownups.
Got it! This seems to be the majority view!
I'll answer some of the questions in reverse order.
Yes, he has a personal credit card. That's not a bad idea to transfer some money to his card account to tide him over.
No. When he and has brother went off to college we gave them each a card for a VISA and AMEX and told them it was ok to charge essentials but no parties or vacations or anything that would embarrass them if they had to explain it to us.
yes, what we didn't expect was a marriage while still in school. It's all working out great, but when they announced their engagement all of the parents and families on both sides were rather surprised.
yes - without boring everyone with details he's getting a degree in education so will be doing student teaching in a high school in the fall. His wife already has a job offer I think starting in the 40s so they shouldn't starve. They've both worked summers. During the school year they have jobs on campus (no pay but college requirement to maintain scholarships).
not that I know of. The charges I see coming through are same as always. Grocery store, gas station, Walmart, etc.
I really appreciate this comment.
We love our new daughter-in-law unreservedly but I'm pretty much an oaf when it comes to seeing context or between-the-lines things that go on, especially with women (sorry!). It's entirely possible that my wife is thinking that since they went ahead and got married a littler earlier than expected, that they need to cut the apron strings and act like grownups.Got it! This seems to be the majority view!
